My inadequacies and His sufficiency.

The other day I started on reading The Purpose Driven Life. I've already started on that book, so long ago that I don't even know when it was. All I know is that I stopped because I didn't feel that urge to continue on it. I haven't met God yet at that time.

But it all made sense to me to read that book the other night. I actually tried to read it that exact night on my bed, but due to my excessive crying (for so long), my eyes were so stressed out that I didn't even know I fell asleep that instant. And so, as I woke up the next day, I read it. I can still remember some fragments of it from my premature reading in the past, but I know that God will reveal more to me now that I'm reading this book in a new perspective. Not only that I'm a new creation in Him, but also as I gained more knowledge about Him, my thirst and hunger for more wisdom to acquire also expanded enormously. It's like I wanna read all the books--classics and contemporary--that may and will help me deepen my wisdom so I can share more with other people.

What I fail to realize somehow (funny that I am acknowledging such thoughts right now) is that I won't learn or gain more wisdom by just merely reading. May it be from the Bible or from any other books done by God's blessings on His servants here on Earth. I can only gain it if I'd live it. And as far as I can get, I do and I wanna do more.

Lately, I've encountered huge problems with my family that it made me actually ask God to take my life away--if He wills it. I know that's not a good thing, but after calming my self and talking to Him and meditating, now that I look back at it, I know and still firmly believe that nothing is ever worth giving up my life with except for Christ. If it's not for pursuing Him, then it's not worth giving my life to. And I know this for a fact because He let me know it. And I'll always thank Him for that knowledge and security He's graced me with.

That was so immature of me to ask of of God, and I know that He knows that. Sometimes, great waves of emotions and other turmoils blinds us. I don't want that. And I asked for His forgiveness about my lack of faith and strength during those times. I was so vulnerable to making sins and irrational things on that moment. But that's when God's greatness may shine more into us. As it is said in Philippians 4:13,

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

It is from Him where I get my strength. He is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge (Psalms 18:2). And so, I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses and show it to Him. I lay it all to Him. And I know that He'll help me with it and guide, aid and carry me. My inadequacies will be filled by His sufficiency.

And though I've cried before all of this, I smile for that. :]

:( count: 3

:) count: 6

Sleeping in, waking up.

Sun rays woke me up today as they warmed my feet, still curled up lazily in my bed. As I opened my eyes, I was greeted by a bright blue sky with clouds passing by my window, seeming to be saying "Hello princess  rise and shine!" I smiled. And I thanked God for such an awesome day He's blessed me with again.

Don't you just love those moments? When you've just woke up and technically, you haven't done anything and yet... you have that deep sense of awe and bliss inside of you? It's those moments when I feel the greatness of God the most--when He wakes me up and hands me a brand new day to live. Not just to pass or to let by... but to be lived. And I'm not gonna waste it.

I know for a fact that not everyone wakes up after they fall into deep slumber. And I know that there are countless people around the globe who are afraid of closing their eyes to sleep--fearing that what they're seeing now may be the last glimpse they'll ever have of this world. Honestly, I don't think this way. For me, sleep is an essential part of my life. I can't function well if I lack or skipped it. I sleep without even thinking of what may happen to me during those hours of unconsciousness. Or of what things may turn out after I wake up. I just... sleep. And I'm thankful that I can and will be able to wake up again.

There are so many things that God hands us down with everyday, and my favorite of it all is the gift of every day, as a whole. That security and assurance of a sunrise after every sunset. Of an energized body after a weary and tiring yesterday. Of light at the end of a long, pitch black night. A gift of hope and warmth, and a solid proof of His unending love and amazing grace showered upon us all.

Just like the salvation that He graced us with, it's a promise of a bright future--no matter how dark and blinding our past may have been. It's just like every blessing He's in store for us. It's always wonderful, just like Him. He's always wonderful.

And I smile for that... all day long. :]

:( count: 2

:) count: 5

#2

I've got my last sem's grades a couple of days ago. They weren't my best. Actually, they're the worst that I've got since I entered college. I couldn't say that I did not expect this--I was actually anticipating for them to be much worse. I slacked off last semester. My mind did not and could not take any more of my courses mainly because... I don't love 'em.

I'd really like to be an educator. Or a writer. But I am now studying a pre-med program (Pharmacy). Well actually, Medicine's been my childhood dream. But ever since I fell in love with teaching way back in my high school days, I just couldn't get it off my mind on why am I doing and learning these things instead of pursuing my dream?

Well, here comes my frown: I'm disappointed at myself.  I haven't lived up to my own set of goals when I started that semester. I was determined to get my scholarship back (which can be obtained in our school depending on your GWA on the previous semester) since I was fueled because I got accepted in a school organization/program that I've been praying for to be in.

But as I contemplated on myself, it wasn't so bad at all. Firstly, I passed all of my courses/subjects. Not everyone in my class did. Actually, I feel blessed and humbled that though I have not done my best (I can say that in all honesty, but I am not--in any way--proud of it), God didn't let me fail. It's like Him saying, "Come on, child. I've seen you do better. I've created you to be better!" I may not understand why am I on this program, but I don't need to understand. I need to trust Him. And as bad as it is, my display of lack of confidence with my studies and my frustrations about not getting into the program that I wanted for myself is an outrageous display of my mistrust in Him. But He is so faithful that my inadequacies are filled by His sufficiency. I don't deserve any of it, and yet He never failed me (literally and figuratively), ever! So how come I fail Him all the time? But, no. Oh, NO! Not anymore!

I am gonna make Him proud. I wanna please Him. It's the very message of my rants: I gotta share Him and live for Him. And I will.

Secondly, with all of these revelations and wisdom that God has blessed me to read, listen and learn about (more of that on my next posts or so), I am always in awe of His greatness. It's like I'll never stop falling in love for Him! And I like--uh, scratch that--LOVE this feeling! There's always something new to discover, a new person to meet or read about and be amazed and inspired by their works for His name, sights to enjoy, moments to capture, and more work to do for Him! There's just so many things that I'm pretty sure that there's no language that can encompass His whole greatness and all the things that He blesses me with! Knowing Him changed my perspective a whole lot. Actually, I believe that He has given me a new set of eyes--I just sometimes couldn't believe that all my life, I have missed these things that are new for me (but are actually already laid in front of everyone since the beginning of time). That I'm seeing and learning just now. I've never seen or experienced anything like it before I started my walk with Him. And I know He has planned it all along for me.

Then again, the greatest step that I ever took in my entire life was the one that started my walk with Him. It always will be.

And I smile for that.

:( count: 2

:) count: 4